frigid

there's something in the air that saps the will out of me. the outdoors are supposed to be a vast expanse, promising, inviting. when the frosty breath of nature meets me at the doorstep, i find little reason to exist. even my own exhalations conspire against me, clouding my way, or leaving an unmistakable trail for the brute whose only aim seems to be my destruction. that cold isn't an external force, or it doesn't simply work from the toes and slowly take me over. it rots away at me from the inside.

habit becomes memory

i feel like i haven't seen the outside world in weeks.  there isn't much point.  the stares, constant pushing past me, noises i can't follow.  in a year or two, i promise i'll be better.  no more of this defeatism.

why not just stay in?

i'm trying to tell a story here, so you're going to have to apologize if i don't make a lot of sense. it's been a long day, maybe a bit of a waste. there's only so much time i need to spend inside my apartment. i wish i was made of chlorophyll or something, like maybe i could just soak in that incandescent light and create all the energy i need. that's it! indoor living - it's not a way of life i'm going to recommend to everyone, but it could work.

ok, i did go outside. for about an hour. i thought about taking my bike, but it was the type of day you don't want to spoil with excess exertion. the grocery store was crowded, as you might expect for a saturday. i was looking for pears. i knew they wouldn't have the red kind, but i was seriously disappointed to discover not a single ripe or sweet-smelling pear in the store. i bought three jars of jam and left.